5/11/2023 0 Comments Deep thoughts jack handyI want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather, not screaming in terror like his passengers. If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is “God is crying.” And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is “Probably because of something you did.” #1 If God dwells inside us, like some people say, I sure hope He like enchiladas, because that’s what He’s getting! #2 I remember a bigger, older guy we called ‘Dad.’ We’d eat some stuff, or not, and then I think we went home. The smell of something was strong in the air as we played whatever sport we played. I’m not sure where we’d go, but I think there were some trees there. I remember we’d all pile into the car-I forget what kind it was-and drive and drive. The memories of my family outings are still a source of strength to me. #5ĭad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis. If I ever get real rich, I hope I’m not real mean to poor people, like I am now. But ONLY if you’re serious about adopting the vulture. If your friend is already dead, and being eaten by vultures, I think it’s okay to feed some bits of your friend to one of the vultures, to teach him to do some tricks. I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty late. “Oh, no,” I said, “Disneyland burned down.” He cried and cried, but I think that deep down he thought it was a pretty good joke. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. I’ve wondered where this started and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus, and a clown killed my dad. If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes. #11īefore you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. Somebody told me it was frightening how much topsoil we are losing each year, but I told that story around the campfire and nobody got scared. That’s because my dad always refused to let us look at the family’s financial records. I guess we were kinda poor when we were kids, but we didn’t know it. That’s why it makes you feel good when you tell them it was just a joke. Then start an argument about who’s going to get help. #14Ī funny thing is if you’re out hiking and your friend gets bit by a poisonous snake, tell him you’re going for help, then go about ten feet and pretend YOU got bit by a snake. And I can picture us attacking that world because they’d never expect it. I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. He’s a national treasure.Īnd without further ado, here are my 15 favorite Jack Handey quotes. If you’ve never heard of Jack Handey, well then, you really need to use the Google machine to educate yourself. Some favorites, including a few with thematic relevance: I think a good product would be Baby Duck Hat. But did you know that this isn’t a made-up name? The guy’s name really is Jack Handey it’s not a pseudonym. I was reminded over the weekend of the brilliance of Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey, a SNL treasure from the 90s if ever there was one. Maybe it'll make everyone think how stupid war is, and while they are thinking, you can throw a real grenade at them.If you know about Jack Handey, then you already know what you’re in for below. If you're in a war, instead of throwing a hand grenade at the enemy, throw one of those small pumpkins. ![]() ![]() I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not our children's children, because I don't think children should be having sex. If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet you could shoot beer out of you nose. I think the mistake a lot of us make is thinking the state-appointed shrink is our friend. ![]() It makes me real mad when someone says something like, "Hey, when are you going to pay me that $100 you owe me?" or "Do you have that $50 you borrowed?" Man, quit being so cheap! Sometimes I think I'd be better off dead. If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid looking in a mirror, because I bet that will really throw you into a panic. First of all, if you're a swan, you're probably not going to find a swan that looks much better than the one you've got, so why not mate for life? Just because swans mate for life, I don't think its that big a deal. and since he is so busy, you'd probably have to run up to him real quick and give it to him. I think a good gift for the President would be a chocolate revolver. Instead of trying to build newer and bigger weapons of destruction, we should be thinking about getting more use out of the ones we already have. Whether they find a life there or not, I think Jupiter should be called an enemy planet. That way he develops a good, lucky feeling. If a kid gets an answer right, tell him it was a lucky guess. If you go parachuting, and your parachute doesn't open, and you friends are all watching you fall, I think a funny gag would be to pretend you were swimming.Ĭhildren need encouragement.
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